At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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