I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
