I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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