do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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