i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
