Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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