i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
