Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
