So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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