I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
