Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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