I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
