Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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