hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
