you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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