I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize