We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
