That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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