STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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