3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
