he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
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I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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