she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize