Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
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