All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
