need another drink. this is the easiest way
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
