So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
me + whiskey = a bad person
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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