god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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