I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
