I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
