Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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