i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
