Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
