2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
