Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
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You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
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My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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