oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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