My friends, they love my intelligence
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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