Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
