I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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