Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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