The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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