I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
