do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
