Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Houston, we have a blender
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
