somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
