i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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