I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
