Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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