every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
