She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
