New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Randomize
