i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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