someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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