Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
