Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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