I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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