Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
