Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
